Tomorrow your life will change forever. I wish I could protect you from
everything you are about to experience, but in the strangest way, this will be
the best thing that has ever happened to you.
First thing’s first.
Everything you think
you know about getting pregnant? False.
Your science classes, great aunts and MTV’s Teen Mom have failed you. Lies…all lies. I can’t tell you yet what DOES work,
but I can give you a few things
Take them off your list:
-“Take a vacation!! “
Everyone gets pregnant when they stop trying.”
-“Lose weight/gain weight.”
-“Give up. This
is a sign that you aren’t meant to have children.” (heads up- the ones who say
this one are nuts! Walk away.)
The people around you
do not mean to be idiots.
Truly. You will hear some
of the worst advice imaginable in
these next few years… but it’s only because no one knows what to do with you.
You will hear the story of Abraham and Sarah on the regular. You will yell and say terrible things
about that particular story in the Bible.
Chances are, you won’t be 147 when you get pregnant, so try and let that
one go. Although you can’t see it now, your friends and family are
hurting with you. Learn how to be gracious early on and save yourself one
million tears. And also- stop
asking people what you should do.
Their ideas are terrible. Ask your doctor, talk to Matt… but step away
from the masses.
The amount of weight and gray hair that comes with this process is a shock. So, learn that you are beautiful. It's important.
You don’t actually
have a needle phobia.
The nurses don’t like wimps, so fake it til you make it.
Before long they’ll know your name, and your best vein. Your days of whining and passing out
over a blood draw are long gone.
In time, you’ll be giving yourself shots in the stomach and losing half
of your blood supply at every appointment without thinking twice.
Oh! You will lose
your mind, yell at a nurse on the phone and file a complaint about her to
“HR”. You aren’t going to win her
back over, so let that one go. But
don’t be “that girl” for long.
The nurses are YOUR PEOPLE! Treat them well.
If they ever seem cold or unfriendly, it’s not about you. They have an unbelievably stressful
job. Women are crazy to begin
with. Women pumped full of
hormones trying to get pregnant? Psychotic. These ladies see incredible pregnancy miracles, but they
also walk families through inconceivable loss. Just be sincere.
You’ve got a long road ahead, and some of these women will become
friends for years to come.
Sooner than you think, you and Matt will begin to feel like
a science experiment gone wrong.
You will fight and cry and question every single thing…you
will say terrible things and doubt each other and think this is one big mistake…you almost won’t
make it through…but hold on to each other. This thing can break you if you let it. (but it doesn’t. trust me.)
Soon, most of your friends will become pregnant. The majority of them started trying
long after you. You will watch
them have their first, second and even third children as you wait. Wait well. Answer your phone, agree to a pedicure, or just let them come
sit with you. Infertility
sucks. Trying to do it by
yourself is impossible. You have incredible people in your life. They can TAKE THIS! Learn to let them love you through the ugly.
You are going to mess
Drop perfectionism quickly because you cannot IMAGINE the
ways you’ll act. You will be rude,
insensitive, and distant. You’ll
miss important baby showers and christenings and birthday parties and do all
the things you said you’d never do. It’s okay. Grief is a monster and in time you’ll learn to separate your
own sorrow from others’ joy. Forgive yourself, ask forgiveness and do better
Hear me say this.
You did NOT do anything wrong.
You are not being punished. God has not forgotten you. Don’t compare your story to those
around you, because you do have a
story. It reads like sci-fi horror
right now, but it won’t always.
Never give up, Amanda. Never. You will announce that you don’t want kids after all, you will
stop “trying”, but always hold a space in your heart for hope.
Pain is devastating and beautiful. And it makes people
terribly uncomfortable. This thing you
have is holy ground. Treat it that way.
Don’t let anyone in unless you are certain they can be trusted with your
grief. But soon you’ll see others
stumbling around with your very same wound. Take them in, share what you know… it eases the heartache.
I wish I could close this letter with, AND THEN YOU GET
PREGNANT. But you don’t.
I don’t know what happens at the end of our story, but I
know you are stronger than you’ve ever imagined. I know that your story will help so many other women. And I know that this is all worth it.