the absolutely-can-not scenario

Have you ever been going through something hard in your life and created an absolutely-can-not statement? 

I remember a phone conversation I had with a friend almost a decade ago. I was crying about infertility and said, "I just don't want to be one of those girls that tries to get pregnant for ten years and everybody feels sorry for her.  And I really don't want to be the girl that's OLD when she finally gets pregnant. I can't handle that. I won't be that girl. If I'm thirty-five and I've never gotten pregnant, I need to give up."

And from that day on, for whatever reason, it became my worst case scenario. Every so often I'd do the math and for a while, it helped. 

"Let's see... I'm 27 and we've been trying to get pregnant for a full year.  That's not so bad. It could be much worse!"

"Okay, I'm almost 29 but 35 is still so far away. Everything's fine!"

and then--

"Looks like we're gonna cut it close, but a lot can happen in two years!"

Early this year I realized it was mathematically impossible to avoid my absolutely-can-not scenario.  

Tomorrow is my 35th birthday. The worst is here. 

As it turns out, I am that girl

But, my twenty-six year old self was wildly naive and mostly mistaken. If I could travel back in time, I'd assure her of a few things...

FIRST... THIRTY-FIVE IS NOT OLD! Not even close. Not even close to close.

Secondly, in the event that you spend the next ten years trying to get pregnant, know that no one is feeling sorry for you.  They will hurt with you at times, but they do not pity you. They think you are wonderfully brave. (And they're right.)

You can "handle" this. You are so much stronger than you think. 

Infertility won't destroy you. In fact, these years will bring out the best parts of who you were always meant to be. 


Tomorrow begins a new chapter for me and I refuse to let my brain formulate an updated version of the absolutely-can-not scenario. I'm going to try a new strategy. I'm going to take one day at a time. I'm going to breathe each one in and allow myself to dream again. No timelines, no age limits. There isn't a single thing I absolutely can not do.

Stay tuned...